Haunting

People tell me that one day all the bad things I’ve done will come back to haunt me. But so far the only thing haunting me is the ghost of that guy I killed.

Clue

The Detective paced around the murder scene before spotting a clue: fingerprints. This was a new break in the case. ‘Now we know the culprit had fingers!’ he exclaimed, crossing ‘family dog’ and ‘armless man’ off his suspect list.

Birthday Present

I was trying to think of a birthday present for my mother. My friend told me that I should get her something she wouldn't buy for herself. So I got her a submarine.

Best friends forever

Dear Billy

I am very sad that your mum has decided we can no longer be friends. What is her problem anyway? I swear, that’s the last time I try to brighten up her Sunday afternoon with a trip to the emergency room. You can barely see the burns anyway, at least the ones on your face.

Having you live next door to me has been one of the highlights of my life. Before you moved in I used to just spend my weekends throwing rocks at birds. But ever since you came along, I’ve had something much better to throw rocks at.

You mum says that I’m a bully, but that’s a lie. Why do you let your mum tell lies? Every time I’ve asked you if you think I’m a bully, you say ‘No, sir’. One time you even said it after I’d let go of your neck. So who am I meant to believe, your mummy or your own coerced words?

Maybe your mum is just upset because your cat went missing. I don't understand why. That cat was mean anyway. Did you know he once scratched me just because I tied his tail to the tail of my dog, Bruiser? You should get that thing put down, man.

How could anyone think I’m a bully, buddy? I don’t understand. Don’t we have fun together? Remember when you stood in the corner in your underwear and I fired a rubber band gun at you? You can’t tell me we didn’t have a blast. I was certainly laughing.

And it’s just bad timing that mum called us for dinner just when it was my turn to be in the corner. You know how these things go.

Plus, buddy, what about all those great times we had playing video games? I could see in your eyes just how much you enjoyed watching me play that car racing game over and over until I beat the top score, then spent the rest of the night trying to beat that top score. You can’t fake that kind of interest.

OK, I know what this is about. You’re upset about the time I told the teacher it was you that wrote hateful messages in the black kid’s English book. But that just shows how good friends we are! Who else but a real friend would take the fall like that for his mate? I’m sure you’ll get used to your new school in no time. You’ll have lots of time to get to know everyone on that two hour bus ride every day, anyway.

Friends should stick together. And if we can’t see each other, how can we stick together? That must mean we’re not friends. And if we’re not friends, we’re enemies. You know what happens to my enemies, don’t you?

Please let’s be friends again. And if not...maybe you won't ever see Mr. Mittens again.

Your best friend forever (maybe),

Tommy.

Cruelty

The kids could be so cruel during woodwork class. I don't know why Mr. Monty made that rule, but it gave the bullies something to do.