Science and Censorship

Ladies and gentlemen, society needs censorship. You only need to look around you to see things that need to be covered up from view. For me, right away, it’s my ankles. For you, maybe just the legs in general. But even for those of you blessed with shapely stems, the point is clear: there are things out there, in the wide world, which need to be censored.

A cursory glance at any newspaper bears this out. I mean, what is the world coming to? An end? Maybe. In the news recently there was the story about child pornography in our art galleries. This is outrageous. Back in my day if we wanted to see a naked 12 year old, we had to use our imaginations. These days everything is handed to you on a platter. It's disgusting and it's wrong and it's downright unfair.

Fortunately, clear heads have prevailed and that exhibition has now been banned. The 12 year olds involved are now safe to enjoy a normal adolescence full of awkwardness and insecurity about their bodies. Society was threatened and censorship stood in to protect it. Can I get an Amen? I hope so.

This highlights the very real need for censorship in our society. Now I know what you're thinking: here we go with another censorship guy talking about sex and violence in movies and TV. Not so fast, buddy. Where'd you learnt to jump to conclusions so fast, hey? Probably too much violent TV, I'd reckon. Besides, that’s not what I want to talk about. My concern today is censoring science.

That's right: science. Bet you didn't see that one coming. See, we've been taught to think that science is great and that it’s continued to improve society for hundreds of years. Well, you know who taught me that? My year 8 science teacher Mr Schlanker. And he was a jackass. Jackass/science: Is there a connection? You be the judge. (Answer: yes.)

Science has survived too long without appropriate classification and censure. This is unacceptable. Why, I've heard that children as young as 19 can just waltz into a biology lecture and learn about bodily functions and the 'facts' of life. Next thing you know they’ll be waltzing out of that lecture and into the arms of casual sex. How do we stop this? I don't think we can just put up No Waltzing signs around the university. It's too late for that now.

It's not just human biology that's filthy. Take zoology, for instance. Take it away from me, more like! Have you ever been to the zoo or the jungle? All the mating wild animals do; that's downright disgusting. It's just bestiality, if you think about it. (I recommend that you don't.) The only decent animals are the pandas. They refuse to mate, and good on them. Extinction is a small price to pay for decency.

And don't think this excludes you, micro-biology. I know as well you do what single cell replication is: masturbation. And what about those frogs that can turn into whatever sex they want, willy nilly? These trans-sexuals are trans-porting these filthy facts into your children's schoolbooks. And my children’s too, if I have any.

The rest are just as bad. Physics? That Ph looks pretty 'Phrench' to me. Psychology? Don't make me laugh. If I want to know the inner workings of the mind, I'll consult my local shaman like any normal person.

Chemistry; now there's a respectable science. As you were, chemistry.

We need to take drastic action. The first thing I propose is this: ban all sciences from our schools for students under 70. Then, once the students are mature enough to make decisions for themselves, they can opt to sign up for a science class, by which time their brains will be much too deteriorated to retain any of the filthy information.

Sure, we might miss a few things about science – Bunsen burners are sort of fun, and Petrie dishes remind me of cake – but in the long run it will be worth it. After all, it’s more important to be protected from the obscene than it is to know the Earth revolves around the Moon, or whatever it is.

Now, I know some of you are sitting there, sipping your lattes and licking the foam off your upper lip and going 'Ooh, that's good imported coffee'; and you're about to point out that, hey, that's not what science is about and that I clearly have no understanding of the very basics of scientific enquiry. Oh yeah? Says who? Sorry, I forgot. The 'experts'.

Well, I think it's time we stopped listening to the experts. We need broad and specific censorship of all things damaging to our society as a whole, and to its individual pieces. Who says so? I do. It's pretty obvious, really.

I'll leave you with this irrefutable proof. If science isn't a filthy and debauched system, then answer me this: didn't Che Guevara study medicine? And wasn't he a communist? I rest my case.

Check mate, science. See you at the obscenity trials.

Guilt

I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel guilty about what happened, but my lawyer thinks I should at least pretend once we're in court.

Accomplishment

I stood on the winner's podium, proud of myself for everything I had accomplished. 'Hey, get off my podium!' the winner said. So I got down and continued sweeping.

Flashin' Ain't Easy

It's not easy being a flasher. It's not hard, either, but I can think of a few things that are easier. Not being a flasher, for instance. That's much easier.

Just the sheer fact of showing your bits to people can be intimidating, so flashers have that elevated stress level. And because of the nature of the work, flashing is a hand-to-mouth profession. You never know where your next pay cheque or restraining order is coming from.

We've tried to counteract these problems with industrial relations changes but nothing seems to work.We wanted to unionise and join with the Nudist Union but they didn't have any pockets to put the membership cards in and we didn't want to carry them where they did. So that failed. Plus, because flashing is a solitary, even lonely, occupation, a lot of flashers are too shy to speak up at meetings. They'll just stand on their chair, flashing. They just don't know when it's knock off time. Dedicated to the work, in a sense. Annoying in another sense (most of them).

But that's just indicative of the philosophical differences in the various schools of flashing. Some of the old school guys think, hey, why not just flash every ten seconds, even in an important meeting? The more progressive ones limit themselves to one or two flashes per meeting, at the maximum. It's a generational thing.

Still, despite all this, don't let anyone tell you is that flashing is all that hard. Look, let's not fool ourselves: it's considerably easier than making an honest dollar. Sure, most of the money comes from people just paying you to stop flashing, but aren't most jobs like that? I worked at a movie theatre once and they gave me a big cheque to stop flashing myself to the customers and never to come back to work. I figured, why not cut out the middle man, and just get paid to stop flashing in the first place?

As flashers there are some ground rules that apply, no matter what generation you're from. First of all, never flash someone walking a dog. Have you ever seen a dog go for a hot dog? The very best that can happen is that it humps your leg, which cramps your style and frankly is looked down upon in the flasher community. Even the few lady flashers don't do it.

Another rule is don't flash children. What's the point? They don't have any money. However, you can elicit money from their parents with the threat of flashing. This is where the now-famous 'flasher eyebrow' comes from.

Invented by, I'm proud to say, my grandfather, the flasher eyebrow is the complicated raising of the eyebrow that says in no uncertain terms that 'I am going to flash your child, unless you give me money'. My family would be much richer today if grandpa had patented it. That's another common problem with flashers; they're no good with money. Just last week I heard the heartbreaking story of an old lady flasher who was being evicted because she hadn't saved up enough in her prime. Bought too many rhinstone studded trench coats and so on. And now she's back on the street. She even started flashing people with dogs. She's so old and decrepit that now people don't pay her to stop, they just punch her in the face and steal her handbag. People can be cruel, if you let them. I'm not sure why we passed that law.

Proper flasher attire is matter of contention in the community. The traditionalist will tell you that a trenchcoat is the only appropriate article of clothing a self-respecting flasher can wear. But there is a younger, more 21st century savvy generation of flashers who will wear anything from mu-mus to velcro stripper pants. My view on the matter errs on the side of conservatism (my grandfather never had to resort to velcro to provide for his family) but I give my blessing to anyone furthering the ideas and practices of flashing.

I bet you didn't know that the first man on the moon was a flasher. Well, not the actual moon, but the first man on the moon-shaped piece of cheese in the Cheesy Barn on Cheese St, Cheesetown (where our national headquarters are). The first man on the cheese, really. But he's a local hero in the flasher community. They call him the Big Cheese, or Moonman.'Hey Moonman!' someone will say. 'It's Big Cheese, you idiot!' another will say.'Aw, shut your face, it's Moonman,' will come the reply. Then they'll start flashing eachother until one or the other gives up. A flash off, I guess.

I have to admit that the art of flashing does seem to be dying out, partly because of fatal flash offs and partly just because the money is so bad. A two-dollar note to 'please leave us alone' doesn't go as far as it used to. It doesn't go anywhere, since they don't exist anymore.

If we don't recruit new flashers to the movement, people will start being able to just walk about the streets without being flashed at. And wouldn't that be a tragedy? Not for them, maybe. But for us, the flashers, of course it is. Why would you even ask that?

In conclusion, please support your local flashers. Pay us to stop flashing or pay us to flash you. Whatever. Just pay us. It's not easy being a flasher. Even though it sort of is.