Science and Censorship

Ladies and gentlemen, society needs censorship. You only need to look around you to see things that need to be covered up from view. For me, right away, it’s my ankles. For you, maybe just the legs in general. But even for those of you blessed with shapely stems, the point is clear: there are things out there, in the wide world, which need to be censored.

A cursory glance at any newspaper bears this out. I mean, what is the world coming to? An end? Maybe. In the news recently there was the story about child pornography in our art galleries. This is outrageous. Back in my day if we wanted to see a naked 12 year old, we had to use our imaginations. These days everything is handed to you on a platter. It's disgusting and it's wrong and it's downright unfair.

Fortunately, clear heads have prevailed and that exhibition has now been banned. The 12 year olds involved are now safe to enjoy a normal adolescence full of awkwardness and insecurity about their bodies. Society was threatened and censorship stood in to protect it. Can I get an Amen? I hope so.

This highlights the very real need for censorship in our society. Now I know what you're thinking: here we go with another censorship guy talking about sex and violence in movies and TV. Not so fast, buddy. Where'd you learnt to jump to conclusions so fast, hey? Probably too much violent TV, I'd reckon. Besides, that’s not what I want to talk about. My concern today is censoring science.

That's right: science. Bet you didn't see that one coming. See, we've been taught to think that science is great and that it’s continued to improve society for hundreds of years. Well, you know who taught me that? My year 8 science teacher Mr Schlanker. And he was a jackass. Jackass/science: Is there a connection? You be the judge. (Answer: yes.)

Science has survived too long without appropriate classification and censure. This is unacceptable. Why, I've heard that children as young as 19 can just waltz into a biology lecture and learn about bodily functions and the 'facts' of life. Next thing you know they’ll be waltzing out of that lecture and into the arms of casual sex. How do we stop this? I don't think we can just put up No Waltzing signs around the university. It's too late for that now.

It's not just human biology that's filthy. Take zoology, for instance. Take it away from me, more like! Have you ever been to the zoo or the jungle? All the mating wild animals do; that's downright disgusting. It's just bestiality, if you think about it. (I recommend that you don't.) The only decent animals are the pandas. They refuse to mate, and good on them. Extinction is a small price to pay for decency.

And don't think this excludes you, micro-biology. I know as well you do what single cell replication is: masturbation. And what about those frogs that can turn into whatever sex they want, willy nilly? These trans-sexuals are trans-porting these filthy facts into your children's schoolbooks. And my children’s too, if I have any.

The rest are just as bad. Physics? That Ph looks pretty 'Phrench' to me. Psychology? Don't make me laugh. If I want to know the inner workings of the mind, I'll consult my local shaman like any normal person.

Chemistry; now there's a respectable science. As you were, chemistry.

We need to take drastic action. The first thing I propose is this: ban all sciences from our schools for students under 70. Then, once the students are mature enough to make decisions for themselves, they can opt to sign up for a science class, by which time their brains will be much too deteriorated to retain any of the filthy information.

Sure, we might miss a few things about science – Bunsen burners are sort of fun, and Petrie dishes remind me of cake – but in the long run it will be worth it. After all, it’s more important to be protected from the obscene than it is to know the Earth revolves around the Moon, or whatever it is.

Now, I know some of you are sitting there, sipping your lattes and licking the foam off your upper lip and going 'Ooh, that's good imported coffee'; and you're about to point out that, hey, that's not what science is about and that I clearly have no understanding of the very basics of scientific enquiry. Oh yeah? Says who? Sorry, I forgot. The 'experts'.

Well, I think it's time we stopped listening to the experts. We need broad and specific censorship of all things damaging to our society as a whole, and to its individual pieces. Who says so? I do. It's pretty obvious, really.

I'll leave you with this irrefutable proof. If science isn't a filthy and debauched system, then answer me this: didn't Che Guevara study medicine? And wasn't he a communist? I rest my case.

Check mate, science. See you at the obscenity trials.