Local Paper: Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down!

Thumbs Up! to the man who returned the wallet I dropped in Main St. on Saturday.
- Joe, Eltham

Thumbs Down! to the man who didn't give me a reward when I returned his dropped wallet.
- Paul, Research

Thumbs Down! to the man who knocked me over while he was rushing to pick up a dropped wallet on Main St.
- Fiona, Eltham North

Thumbs Up! to the lady who fell over and gave me a glimpse of her underwear when she fell over in Main St.
- Rob, Diamond Creek

Thumbs Down! to the boy who looked up a lady's skirt when she fell over in Main St, the shock of which made me choke on my lunch at Bobby's Cafe.
- Carmel, Eltham

Thumbs Up! to the young man who gave an old lady the Heimlich Maneuver when she was choking on her lunch in Bobby's Cafe.
- Hayley, St Helena

Thumbs Down! to the man who stole my wallet when I was busy giving a choking old lady the Heimlich Maneuver in Bobby's Cafe.
- Nathan, Greensborough

Thumbs Down! to the group of people on Main St. near Bobby's Cafe on Saturday who blocked the competitors in the Annual Eltham Fun Run, causing it to be cancelled.
- Councillor Steve Redman, Eltham Council

Thumbs Up! to the Eltham Council for deciding to cancel the tedious annual fun run.
- Jen, Eltham North

Employment

"Sir, I deserve this raise," I said to my boss. "If you look up 'diligent worker' in the dictionary, you'll find my picture,"

"Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you to stop messing around with my bookshelf," Mr. Gianelli said. "There's glue all over it now."

Damn. I guess he wasn't going to appreciate seeing his picture when he next looked up 'role model'.

The Horror of War

Fighting in a war is much more unpleasant than simply having to wear an ugly uniform. The very nature of war is tragedy. And every war has its share.

The First World War, for example, is notorious for its senseless loss of life. J.R. Rudden was only 17 when he pedaled his bike down to the station to sign up. He was hit by a buggy and killed on the way there. Tragedy.

The Second World War was just as awful. Gracie Dvorak was just a secretary in a company that did code breaking for the Nazis. But she fell in love with an American soldier and this put her in a dangerous position. Every night after being with him she’d scurry away, trying to avoid being seen. But sure enough, one morning, Gracie was shot in the head by the American soldier’s wife.

My great-grandfather also fought in that war. He once told me a story about when his platoon was stationed in an abandoned city, somewhere in Europe. There were lot of abandoned old houses everywhere and the mood was tense. All the men could feel trouble was coming. Word was coming through on the radio that the enemy was on its way. So my great-grandfather and his troop sat in a shelled-out storefront, crouched in anticipation. Suddenly, while they were waiting for the enemy, space zombies attacked them from behind.

The lesson: War. Is. Unpredictable.

In war, every battle poses a new challenge. CJ Smith was just a fussy young man when he went to fight in Vietnam. CJ was carrying a grenade belt through enemy territory when one of the greande's pins fell out. It dropped to the ground and CJ quickly ran for cover. It didn’t explode. A miracle! So he breathed a huge sigh of relief, which the enemy heard from across the jungle. He was captured and sent to a POW camp, where the food was terrible.

The horror of war should not be underestimated. It’s a scary world out there and nothing illustrates this more than war. Especially scary war. So the next time you’re watching a Remembrance Day march, think about all the awful things the veterans suffered: the heavy backpacks, the bad jokes told by the other men, the really easy crosswords in the army quiz books.

They suffered so we could live in peace. Never forget.

Young love

I was in love with this girl once. We had chemistry together, I’ll tell you that. I didn’t get to see her very much. She didn’t teach any other subjects.

One day she just up and left the town. I called her house fifteen times a day, like I usually did, but she never answered. And when I went for my morning crawl through her front garden, from what I could see through her bedroom window, her stuff had been packed up and taken away. My guess? Alien abduction.