When people ask me why my life turned out the way it has, I like to tell them a story. 'Can't you just give us a one sentence answer?' they say. 'No,' I reply. 'It's more complicated than that.' Besides, nobody's gonna pay me for just one sentence.
There are lots of people I've learnt from in my life, but the person I've learnt the most from is myself. I taught myself everything I know, except the very basics like eating and toilet training, which I think were written on the back of a Cornflakes box I found once.
The reason I had to learn everything myself was because from a very young age I was thrust out into the Big Bad World. I was thrust out by my Big Bad Uncle, who sat me down in the grass on my fifth birthday and said, 'Well, you're on your own, kid'. Right there, in the middle of the median strip! Imagine my embarrassment. I didn't even know how to hitchhike.
This early trauma taught me an important lesson about surviving: you need to do it, especially if you're to have any happiness in this world. So I continued to survive, and before long I was having normal childhood encounters, like experiencing my first love.
At the age of 14, I was in love with a girl; and we had chemistry together, I'll tell you that. I didn't get to see her very much because she didn't teach any other subjects. But one day, without warning, she just disappeared. I phoned her fifteen times a day, like I usually did, but she never answered. And when I went for my morning crawl through her front garden, from what I could see through her bedroom window, her stuff had been packed up and taken away. My guess? Alien abduction.
But I didn't let this get me down. After I realised how precious and tenuous our grasp on this planet is, I again resolved myself to forge my own path through life, at least until I found some nice coattails to sit on.
My main problem was that I had no talent. People thought I was a bit slow on the uptake. They did have a point, I'll admit. I once had a conversation for ten minutes before I realised I was standing in an echo chamber. But I vowed to work for change.
So I became an entrepreneur, which is French for 'drifter'. I'd drift in and out of lucrative businesses, until someone would ask me who I'm there to see and could I please leave the foyer, I'm causing a scene. But it also means I'm a self-made man, like Frankenstein, if he had made himself instead of that monster. Basically, it just means I did things for myself.
Here are some things I did for myself:
I worked as a con man. I'd go around asking people to give money to help fund diabetes research. Fooled them. It was really to help AIDS in Africa.
I manufactured shoelaces that were made of spaghetti, for hiking boots. If you ever get lost in the desert, no need to worry about starving. For our up-market customers, I even sold an edible tour guide. His name was Jim.
At one point I sold exploding chewing gum. That venture didn't last very long. There's a limited market for that kind of thing, once people find out what it does. After that, I sold dentures. They were top of the line because they were made from real teeth. Sometimes I could even sell a person's own teeth back to them, if they'd already bought the exploding chewing gum.
I even had a short lived career as a comedian. This was one of my jokes: 'Why don't cows eat at the dinner table? Because they can't chew with their mouths shut.' Get it? No manners. I think I was just ahead of my time. Unfortunately, the booking agents thought I was just ahead of Happy Hour.
So you'll notice I've had some strange jobs in my time, but you'll also notice there's something that they have in common: they all were born out of self-determination, hard work and one too many tequila sunrises. Seriously, those things will knock days off your calendar. Sometimes I forgot that Mondays even existed, which is one reason why my brand of calendars never sold well.
But when I think about the future, I'm optimistic. Although I'm not crazy about flying cars, they are sure to bring in plenty of business opportunities for a drifter like me. Remember, the only things that stopped my ventures from growing indefinitely were complacency, neglect and a couple of criminal investigations.
I have always made my own path through life. I'm like a pioneer, in some ways. In other ways, not so much. But I am something, and there's something to be said for that. Now, where's that pay cheque?
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