Everybody has fears

Everybody has fears, just like everybody has responsibilities. But unlike responsibilities, fear isn’t something you can just run away from. The best way to confront your fears is to talk about them, just like how the best way to not confront your responsibilities is to change your name and jump the state, and answer every phone call with ‘What child support?’

My fears aren’t all that usual. Like 47 percent of the population, I’m afraid of the dark. And like 39 percent of the population, I make up numbers to support my arguments. But the thing about being afraid of the dark is true. So what if I’m afraid of dark chocolate and dark matter too? That just means I better understand what ‘dark’ is.

I'm also scared of ghosts, but isn't everyone? Every time I hear Waltzing Matilda I have to leave before the last verse where they talk about the jolly swagman's ghost. Spiders scare me too. In fact, I'm scared of everything that has the wrong number of limbs. I saw an amputee at the RSL once and had to flee from my pokie machine, even as the jackpot music played.

I'm scared of being struck by lightning. People tell me this is ridiculous, since you're more likely to win the lottery than get struck by lightning. That doesn’t help: I’m also scared of winning the lottery. I don't know why I keep buying the tickets.

I’m not sure where my fears come from. I guess it’s something we’ll never know, like what happens after we die or what that big yellow thing in the sky is. But I think having fears is pretty normal. Who among you can honestly say you're not scared of mice and other computer-related things? Technology is always producing scary things, like the pool cleaner. I used to be scared of cameras, thinking they would steal my soul. But I soon realised nobody wanted to steal my soul. They didn't even want my phone number.

You might think it sounds like I'm scared of everything. I'm not. In fact, I'd give you a list of all the things I'm not scared of, but I'm scared of lists. Sure, you might call me a coward, but you might call me a lot of things, like scaredy cat, wuss and crybaby. Don't just leave it at coward, is all I'm saying. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. Also, stop with the sticks and stones.

But who are you to judge me, you with your nerves of steel and your hearts of some other kind of heavy metal, possibly manganese? Well, I’m sorry if you can watch horror movies without sitting on a blanket protector and whoopee if you can walk through Chinatown without screaming in terror at all the dragons. Good for you, tough guy. But don’t come crying to me when your brave face gets mauled by dragons.

My point is that it’s only natural to be afraid of things. I know it’s also only natural to run around naked and do your business in the bushes, but I’m talking about a more acceptable form of nature (the nature that doesn’t have your business in it).

I say, embrace your fears and, who knows, maybe one day you’ll find they’re not there anymore. You’ll go the movies and plunge your hand into boxes of piping hot popcorn without a care in the world. You’ll start winning at Snakes and Ladders because you don’t worry about walking under the ladders. Before you know it you’ll be fighting wars and making speeches at your local Fear of Public Speaking Group meetings. So, tell people your fears, get them to understand. Just don’t tell someone you have a fear of blackmail, because that usually ends badly.

And you still don’t have to listen to the last verse of Waltzing Matilda. Nobody’s perfect.